I’m fortunate to have a January birthday, and I aways find myself engaging in double the reflection as I prepare to enter a new year and a new age at the top of each year. I made plans on NYE to be all deep and watch virtual church + sit with my journal and process the year. Instead, I fell asleep by 8:30PM, woke up around 11PM (ish), stared at the wall until the new year rolled in, ate a churrro cupcake (see recipe), toasted to the new year, texted some loved ones, and went right back to bed.

Listen. I am extremely elated to be on the other side of 2020, and let me just say, right off the bat, that I’m not here to over-spiritualize the year. While I would love to think that when the clock struck twelve on January 1, 2021, we all breathed a collective sigh of relief, I know full well that this new year comes with a myriad of emotions. Joy for some. Rollover grief for others. Confusion. Optimism. Disappointment. Maybe a mixture of all of that, and then some. Whatever emotional lens you’re reading this through, I honor it.

Now… it may seem unfitting to release a blog titled unmasked evolution, in the midst of a global pandemic and unprecedented mask wearing mandates. I mean, I had to write a whole 10-page comprehensive exam response about increasing mask use (which I am 100% in favor of, btw). While the greater part of 2020 was dedicated to masking up literally, I spent it leaning into my ongoing journey of unmasking, figuratively. So, here’s my first post, dedicated to unmasking the year that led me to this moment— finally releasing this blog that I’ve been sitting on for years.

I should start by letting you know that I’m your classic Type A perfectionist who never leaves home without a plan. As you can imagine, 2020 was hard on people like me. So, how did I handle it in the beginning? Like any figurative mask-wearing perfectionist would— spiritual bypassing! Spiritual bypassing is when someone uses spiritual practices or explanations to avoid unpleasant emotions or experiences. I’m sure most of you are quite familiar with this given that we’re socialized to find the silver lining in situations and focus on the bright side as opposed to honoring our humanity (but that’s a story for another day). I dubbed 2020 the year of self-love after realizing I’d been selling myself short in that department. Naturally, the stay-at-home order felt like the perfect time to really go inward, and “do the work.” Well, boy did 2020 teach me a lesson because little did I know, I would quickly learn that doing the work required something I was terrified of— being honest with myself. No wonder I’d been avoiding “the work” for so long. The work, in my opinion, looks and feels just as ugly as it sounds. And in 2020, it looked like the ugliest of cries, it felt uneasy, lonely, and raw; it looked like blocking numbers that I should’ve never kept. Over the years, my unmasking has looked like being honest with myself about:

• the fact that I have allowed my worth to be determined by the opinions (or rejection) of others
• feelings of envy + comparison
• the fact that all the degrees and accolades do not amount to happiness
• the fact that an old heartbreak still had a hold on me
• feelings of inadequacy 
• me being my own worst enemy a majority of the time 

This unmasking started several years prior to 2020— layer by layer, with a lot of therapy, tears, prayer, family, and friends. And it’s ongoing! That’s what has led me here. What is here, you might ask? Well, freedom. Not the freedom that makes me exempt from experiencing the things on that list above. But the kind that allows me to be on top of those things, instead of feeling like they’re on top of me. The fulfilling kind. Freedom looks like admitting to myself when I’m feeling sad. It looks like crying when I need to. I’m also learning that freedom looks like being happy (still unpacking this one, lol). It looks like telling myself it’s okay to feel a lot of different things at once. Because I’m human. That’s what this blog is dedicated to— our humanity. To living as our most authentic selves by taking off the mask that hides our humanity. Here’s the thing though, unmasking is an inside job first. As you start to be more honest with yourself, you’ll be more likely to show up authentically with others too. 

I feel inclined to end by saying that “this blog is not meant to be a substitute for therapy.” In fact, I’m quick to send some therapist links, and I have a therapist myself. But here’s me giving you a teeny tiny bit of tea about my own unmasking, in hopes that it’ll inspire you to go on your own journey of unmasking too. Cheers to us unmasking more layers of ourselves in 2021.