I’m thinking that this will be the first part of a series of posts with a similar theme. Mainly because the thread of perfectionism has run through my veins for as long as I can remember. It’s the reason I’ve procrastinated in writing this blog post. I questioned what I would title it, how long it should be, whether I would post it on my Facebook or Twitter, whether there were certain people that I did not want reading it, etc. The list goes on. It always goes on and on and on… I’m always running through as many possible “what-if” scenarios in my mind in an effort to course correct as best I can on the front end. I’m basically an Olympic gold medalist at this point because the mental gymnastics I’m able to do are impeccable. You want to know what else they are, though? Exhausting. 

Of course I could spend time talking about the bright side of perfectionism. I’m a hard worker. A go-getter. I’m detail-oriented. Motivated. Persistent. On the not-so-bright side though, my ability to not care about what people think feels painfully impossible. I procrastinate often because anything less than “perfection” and the thought of making a wrong decision feels unbearable. I waste time and energy beating myself up when things don’t go as planned. So, as you can see, there’s some pretty weighty costs associated with this seemingly favorable trait. 

For many of us, when we were younger, people praised us for how prim and proper we were. We got the good grades. The awards. We excelled. We smiled. All the while, we were cementing our sense of self-worth in our accomplishments and the praise of others. The reality is, perfection stems from a need to be in control. We found what we deemed as the “formula” and stuck to it. And if your life is anything like mine, the moment when it all came crashing down hit you like a ton of bricks. The moment when you realized that control is actually an illusion. That the formula failed because it was fake. It couldn’t help you dodge the pain of rejection or heartbreak. It couldn’t help me when the life I planned panned out differently. Like when I graduated from Johns Hopkins with a master’s degree and couldn’t find a full-time job to save my life? Talk about a hard hit! Or even worse, the time period between graduating and finding a job when I was stuck trying to figure out how to love a version of myself that didn’t have to perform? Perfectionism, over the years, has been quite the thief. Stealing my joy, my peace, my ability to be in the present moment, and sometimes even stealing my voice. Perfectionism taught me to the wear the mask that I’m currently in the process of shedding. 

For so long, I wore my perfectionism as a badge of honor. Then, in more recent years, I’ve dealt with the shame associated with the shadow side of perfectionism. And now, I’m ridding myself of the label entirely. I no longer want to shackle myself to my insecurities. So… here’s to me, breaking ties with the version of myself that has awareness without any action. How am I shedding perfectionism and all of its ugliness? Well, I’m committing myself to doing the things that scare me. I’m committing myself to honoring my humanity. I’m committing myself to coming into a fuller awareness of the fact that I am worthy by virtue of my mere existence. My commitment to ridding myself of this label is evidenced by the unmasking– layer by layer. In writing the next blog post, I’ll be aware of when procrastination is rearing its ugly head. In my day to day life, I’ll be aware that there’s a chance I could make the wrong decision, and still, I’ll make choices as opposed to staying still. When things don’t go as planned, I’ll remind myself of the other times they didn’t go as planned and still turned out pretty freakin’ amazing. I hope the same for you too. That you’ll choose peace over perfection. May you come to know and love a version of yourself that is whole and complete, and better yet, imperfect.