What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word self-sabotage? I’d imagine that many people think about things like risky behavior and physical self-harm. According to Psychology Today, self-sabotage is defined as behavior that “creates problems in daily life and interferes with long-standing goals.” Given that the definition is pretty vague and pretty broad, there’s probably hundreds of behaviors that could be considered self-sabotaging that vary from person to person and take on various forms. While some people may have an awareness of their self-sabotaging ways, for others, it may show up in ways they haven’t even realized yet. 

My simple way of thinking about self-sabotage includes anything that involves me getting in my own way. So, with that in mind, I hope to move your thought process away from the more obvious means of self-sabotaging. When we think of self-sabotaging as only occurring in the form of overt behaviors, we miss out on the sometimes less obvious means by which our behaviors come about. A lot of times, our behavior is very much connected to our thoughts and beliefs. *Fun fact– in my counseling work, I largely operate from a cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) lens which posits that our thoughts impact our feelings, which then impact our behaviors. 

Have you ever gotten so accustomed to things not going how you wanted them to? Are you someone who’s always “waiting for the other shoe to drop?” Maybe you’re quick to push people away. Or maybe you’ve become the villain that you once experienced in relationships. Maybe you stopped pursuing opportunities that excited you after multiple failed attempts. Well, my friend… that, too, is self-sabotage. The kind that’s rooted in a deep sense of fear and feelings of unworthiness. It makes sense though. Disappointments happen, and we start to tell ourselves a certain story. The longer we tell ourselves that story, the more we start to believe it. In the words of the great Dr. Thema Bryant, “we do not fully believe we are deserving of wonderful things. And when I do not believe I’m deserving of wonderful things, I cling to mediocre things.”

I can’t tell you how many mediocre things I’ve clung to in my past and present. And the reason I’m able to cling to mediocre things is because of the mediocre mindset that tells me that I have to. I’ve come to realize that my self-sabotage looks like a fear of being fully happy. I say fully because I don’t think I’m walking around like Eeyore, feeling gloomy and pessimistic on the daily. But I also don’t think that I walk in the fullness of joy like I could and desire to. I’m currently in the process of re-reading The Four Agreements. I’ve started re-asking myself the tough questions about the lies that I’ve come into agreement with. I’m tracing the origins of the stories I’ve told myself. Truthfully, most of them originated from a place of hurt and disappointment. I’d encourage you to trace your story origins too. What lies have you come into agreement with? 

I’d be lying (for a lack of a better word, lol) if I said that breaking ties with the lies is a walk in the park. But unmasking in this area, for me, looks like awareness. It looks like me recognizing when a self-sabotaging mindset is showing up. It looks like me trying my darnest to lean into joy. And I hope the same for you (I know I say this everytime, haha). I wish you a life that doesn’t consist of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wish you a life of excitement and peace, one where you get out of your own way. Maybe take some time this week to think about the areas in which you’ve been getting in your own way and start taking some intentional steps to break ties with the lies you’ve told yourself. Happy Unmasking ❤