As much as I wish I could explain away my four and a half month hiatus by saying I was swamped with academic and clinical work, that’d only be partially true. The real reason was actually vulnerability hangover. According to Dr. Brené Brown, vulnerability hangover is that icky feeling you get after putting yourself out there. Despite having sat on this blog idea for at least two years, actually launching it, and being four posts in, I thought “Who do I think I am starting a blog?” and “Why on earth would I start a blog that’s so…. vulnerable?” Pretty much all the things I wrote about in my previous posts—perfectionism, imposter phenomenon, and self-sabotage— woke up and chose violence just as I was preparing to write my next post. According to Merriam-Webster dictionary, to be vulnerable means to be open to attack or damage. Despite the consistent positive feedback on my writing, I felt exposed and open to attack. And who would want that?

So, I sat for the last few months unmasking what has really kept me from writing and pondering why I even started writing in the first place. Brené Brown talks about vulnerability much differently than Merriam-Webster. While she does describe it as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure,” she also emphasizes the great courage associated with that risk and the beauty on the other side of it. To be clear, when I talk about vulnerability, I’m not talking about oversharing. Responsible vulnerability involves an awareness that boundaries are our friend. And getting comfortable with vulnerability involves coming to terms with what we’re actually afraid of.  

Turns out, a fear of vulnerability is often less about the act of being vulnerable and moreso a fear of how one’s vulnerability might be perceived by other people. How might people judge me if I say how I really feel? Will people not like my personality if I show up as my full authentic self? For me, the judgment I fear receiving from others is merely a reflection of the judgment I place on myself. But what I’ve realized is that sometimes I spend so much time overthinking my vulnerability that I overlook who actually connected with it. 

I’ve so desperately desired to shed perfectionism and show up more fully in my authenticity, to unmask if you will. And these last few months have been proof that even when I’ve felt ready to jump in, there’s still that voice that tells me to put my mask back on, to go into hiding, to be quiet. And I know there are so many other people who deal with the same thing. I launched this blog on my 29th birthday with a goal of sharing my own journey of unmasking and evolving, in large part because I hope to inspire other people to take off their masks too. Brené Brown refers to vulnerability as “the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.” My vulnerability is what frees me from the very things I’ve written about so far on this blog, and it releases me to honor my humanity. So, here I am again, unmasking, vulnerably and responsibly. Because in this season, vulnerability looks like speaking my truth and allowing it to connect with the truth inside other people. It looks like me knowing my ideas are meaningful and sharing them. It looks like giving myself permission to fall apart, giving myself the time and space I need to regroup, and showing up again. It looks like me telling you about my own struggles with vulnerability hangovers to normalize them, while encouraging you to examine the reasons behind your own vulnerability hangovers. So, here’s to us being vulnerable (responsibly of course), showing up as our authentic selves, and not apologizing for it 🙂