It’s been 913 days since my last blog post, and truth be told, I’m not exactly sure how many more days it’ll be until the next one. What I do know is that today’s my birthday (the big 3-2), and I’ve been wanting to write another blog post for quite some time now. So I figured what better day than today to pick things back up! A lot has changed in 913 days. I proposed my dissertation. I failed to match during the first phase of the psychology internship process, which led to my subsequent match in Phase II, leading me to spend a year in Rochester, New York. I met friends/colleagues who helped make that dark place shine a little brighter, and I got the opportunity to provide mental health services to kids that I’ll remember forever. In the last 913 days, I defended my dissertation. I graduated with my PhD. I got engaged to the man of my dreams. I celebrated my graduation and engagement with my family and friends. I secured a postdoctoral fellowship at my TOP clinical site— which is a story for another day because I’m still in awe of how this thing came full circle. In the last 913 days, I spent quality time with my loved ones, celebrating birthdays, gender reveals, weddings, and graduations. I’ve smiled big and experienced deep belly laughs on a CONSISTENT basis. And you know what else I’ve experienced on a consistent basis, feelings of……unworthiness. 

You might be wondering how that feeling of unworthiness presents itself. Well, mostly it looks like me relishing in the beautiful moments for like a day or two (or maybe even a week) before going right back to finding something to worry about. You ever heard the phrase “waiting for the other shoe to drop?” Essentially feeling like things can’t be THIS good. Allowing my mind to be consumed by what ifs. Instead of allowing unwanted emotions to visit, I let them unpack and reside with me. My therapist asked me if I feel undeserving of my blessings. The immediate response was “of course, not!” But when I close my eyes and take a deep breath, the truth comes to the surface and is evidenced by the fact that sometimes I’m more open to sitting with fear than I am to sitting with joy. So I’ve spent probably about a third of the last 913 days unpacking this, and here’s what I know—

1. It’s unloving to myself to avoid my unwanted emotions, but it’s also unloving to allow them to reside longer than they need to.
2. I’m two feet planted. There is no other shoe to drop. 
3. Old stories don’t fit this new season that I’m in. I can let those narratives go. 
4. In the words of Alex Elle— “Joy has my name on it. I’ve learned the importance of inviting you [joy] into my life and space without second-guessing if you’re truly there for me.”

This year, I’m continuing to unmask feelings of unworthiness. There’s so much more beauty to come in this new year, Chapter 32, and I’m determined to not allow it to pass me by without me being fully present and fully grateful. I love this season that I’m in. It’s not perfect by any means, but it’s mine. There is no other shoe to drop, and I’m worthy of experiencing a fullness of joy. Cheers to a beautiful, love-filled, joyous year. Happy Birthday to me.